Tricia Dishes

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Middle of a blah week

Well, I seem to be recovering from my cold, but my emotions are extremely fragile, at the moment. I have sobbed more often than not, today, and it is really not any fun. This week has been weird - I have felt bad, then better, then had that weird jaw thing happen again (severe pain in jaw, feels like it belongs on someone else's face), luckily it is a lot better today, just stuff. It has been almost three months since David died, so I guess the finality of it is really hitting me hard. I miss him so terribly. And now I am crying again. I just need to talk to him, for him to tell me how to do some things around here, tell ME what to do!! I don't think I have ever felt so alone. And that is not being said to make you feel guilty, my kids, it is something that I have to work out myself. I hate cooking for myself, I hate waking up at night and realizing that I am alone in this house, except for the felines, the backyard is needing cutting already due to those little green weeds, that pile of wood is impossible to move to the street, I have to get information on that 401K, yet it is a voicemail nightmare to try to speak to someone. That kind of stuff. And it is very overwhelming. I did stack up David's pants to take to the rescue mission, yet it still sits in a basket, as does his wallet, glasses, and gaming badge. I miss him to talk to about silly stuff, and the other day a song came on that I didn't know who it was, and with it came the realization that I couldn't ask him who sings what anymore. I haven't been to the coffeeshop, I just don't feel that it is my "downtown living room" anymore, I am just a stranger. We had so much fun together, before and after the cancer. We were each other's best friend and now I feel "halved". I honestly do not see how I can live the rest of my life without him, but I guess I must.
So, that is how it is here. I need your prayers, because I am drowning. I'm sorry if anyone thinks this is too melodramatic, or I am just feeling sorry for myself, but no, that is not it. I started this blog to be a catharsis for my feelings and that's what came out today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. I hope so. I don't like feeling like this.


  • At Thursday, February 21, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Tricia, I am wrapping my arms around your from here in Ohio/Indiana. I wish I knew something that would help but all i can do is tell you that i love you and you are always in my prayers. You are a very strong person and I know you will not break. Remember-the YP's are moving!!! see- a ray of sunshine on a blah day!


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