Tricia Dishes

Saturday, December 29, 2007


Well, the kids have all gone home. This house is very quiet, I am discovering. After Christopher and Katie left this morning, I will not deny that I sobbed and screamed David's name several times. This is the first time I have been utterly and completely alone. Sure, David would work on Saturdays sometimes, but he always called every few hours, or I would call him. But not anymore - he is really gone. And that makes me so sad and more than a little bit angry. I actually had pain in my chest, from both grief and fear, and that was not a pleasant feeling. I feel sick to my stomach from crying, a natural feeling, I know, but one that probably will be around for quite a while, I'm sure. I tried to do some house cleaning today, but couldn't. I tried to muster up the strength to go to the coffee shop, but I couldn't. I thought about gathering up clothes to wash. Yep. I couldn't. I have watched a few episodes of shows that I TiVo'd during the last 6 weeks. It was weird not watching them with David. In fact, I don't know whether or not I will watch anymore of "our" shows, it was quite painful. It is just so damn quiet! The cats don't answer me when I talk to them, although they do look at me funny. It is just odd.
And I know I am not the only person in this situation. I am not wanting anyone to think that I am "special" or experiencing anything new. It is new to me, however, and it is going to take some getting used to. Yet, I cannot get it into my head that David has been gone almost a month! Surreal, just surreal.
Christopher and Katie left with a car loaded down with stuff this morning. He is taking several of his dad's tools, tools that David painstakingly picked out over the years (he has tons!), but he also took David's walking stick. I can see Christopher showing it to his children, talking about how David always carried it on their many walks during his childhood. When Erica left, she took one of David's straw hats, which I know will have a place of honor in her home, too. David is just so everywhere, you know? His watch and comb are right where he left them. His wallet is still sitting beside them, full of business cards, a few credit cards, a library card, a museum membership card, and as per usual, there is not one bit of money in there!!! Ah, David. His cellphone is sitting there, and it is almost too painful for me to open, because his phone list is in there - "Home", "Tricia cell", "Erica home", "Erica cell", "Christopher and Katie home", "Carl work", "Susan home", "Rick monitor room", and the one that makes me cry the most, "Mom". There are dozens of work numbers in there, too, and I know that those people probably felt very strange deleting David's number from their lists. And life goes on, with David now in the past. I just cannot wrap my mind around that, but there it is, it is reality.
Christopher, Katie, and I went to the coffee shop yesterday, and there was the hat and plaque above the door. I will have to venture in there by myself soon, I know, but that will be so strange. But, I have to do it because I need the coffee shop more than ever right now. And it will be comforting to be in a place that David loved, I think. Maybe next week, maybe the next, I don't know. There is no timetable.
And I have had two physical therapy sessions and they seem to have helped a little bit. Hopefully, the MRI will show what the problem actually is, and we can fix it. I will be doing pool exercises next week at therapy, and no, I am not going to wear a bathing suit. That would be the one bit of trauma that would push me on over the edge! But I am hoping that I can start getting some pain relief and begin an exercise program that will help me become healthier and pain free.
Well, that's it for now. I don't even think I am going to put a picture on here tonight. Wait a minute, yes I will!! It's a cute one, too!
Night. Have a good Sunday.


  • At Saturday, December 29, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm sorry the house is so quiet and you're missing David. That truly breaks my heart and I wish I could help in some way. Please try to keep taking care of yourself and like you said--there's no timetable. Take things slow and whatever you feel like doing--screaming, crying or doing nothing at all--remember all those things are going to help you get through this. I can't even pretend to say I know how you feel, but I do wish I could help ease your pain. Remember to call on any of us for anything you need. Take care and I hope you can get out to the coffee shop soon.
    Rebecca Rine-Stone

  • At Sunday, December 30, 2007, Anonymous WonderGirl said…

    Thinking of you- wishing I had some words of wisdom to share. I think you're doing exactly what you need to, though, and each day is a step, whether it feels like it or not. Some days will be screaming days, some will be laughing, some will be sleeping. Whatever helps the sun rise and set and takes you to the next day, to a better day.

    On a happy note- the kids and I are going to be in VB all next week. What say to a little visit? I could ditch the kids (naughty mommie) and we could grab a cup o'joe, or we could hit the oh-so-fabulous McDonalds and chat while the kids eat McNuggets. Or I could drop by with a bottle of vino. That's always an option! :)

  • At Sunday, December 30, 2007, Anonymous Katie's Ma said…

    Your post made me feel really sad. I hate when the kids all leave after a "normal" visit -- the house always feels too quiet -- but I can't even imagine what it must feel like with David gone too. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Know that we're here and would gladly do anything we can to help make things easier for you.



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