Tricia Dishes

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Life is still going on

So, the sun keeps coming up everyday. Christmas is in a week. Bills have to be paid, food has to be eaten, clothes have to be washed. And I am managing to get up every day, although I really don't want to. But David is still gone, which really blows my mind. How can that be? I look at his pictures, I think back to how fast that last week went, and it is hard to believe that he has been gone since December 2!!
Yesterday wasn't great, I really had a hard time coping. And I have cried, the ache is really a physical pain. But I have laughed, and actually have participated in some Christmas things. And we have watched some comedy, which really has helped a lot. "Flight of the Conchords" just cracks me up (Erica and Fuzzy got the DVD), and then we went through the TiVo and watched some "30 Rock". Forget all of the dramas that we used to watch, I pretty much deleted them. And that three hour special that David wanted us to watch called "Living with Cancer"? Gone. Deleted. I'm just about cancered out, if you know what I mean. Only fun things, that's what I want to see.
I actually dreamed that I had another plan to try to help David, but then I woke up and the realization hit me that it was over. We did all that we could. That was what the counselor said this afternoon, too. I was mentioning that I was worried that I hadn't done enough for David, and she asked if I would have done anything differently in the two weeks prior to his departure, had I known that he would die on December 2. I said no, I probably wouldn't. He knew I loved him tremendously, and we were doing everything we could to make him comfortable and happy. So, I need to get over my guilt. That's what counseling is for, right? And she is great. I think it is helping and will be beneficial for me to get through my grief. I am grateful to my friend, Donna, for finding her for me. And the hospice people have come by, too. Nature, the nurse, came by yesterday and when she read the editorial by Charlie, she had to wipe her eyes. She is the nurse that is mentioned in the article, so she was greatly moved. And the social worker came today while I was at my session, and the kids said that she was hilarious, that we should adopt her! She told them how great David's service was, and how our family had really touched everyone at Providence Hospice. That is really nice. AND she brought us some ornaments for the tree! We have so many up there, though, it was hard to find where to put them! But we managed to squeeze them onto a few branches. It is really a very lovely tree. I am so glad that Erica and Katie put all of the colored lights on it Thanksgiving weekend. David thought it was beautiful. It probably pales compared to what he is seeing now! I cannot even imagine.
That's pretty much all I have to say this evening. I haven't been as down today as I was yesterday. I guess that will fluctuate, until I have more good days than bad. And I go to the doctor on Thursday for my leg and hip pain. DRUGS! That's what I need!! And I get my eyes checked on Friday. I want to start 2008 with new glasses, no leg/hip pain, with an exercise program to help me get healthy. Oh, and I am going to eat better. I guess those are my New Year's resolutions!!! 2008 has GOT to be better than 2007!!
Great. Woofer is barking now. There is a family that lets their dog roam at night, which, in turn, makes my dogs bark, which will make the YP bark at me! STOP IT, WOOFER!!!! Good, he is quiet now. That would be ALL I would need now, another "incident". I hope those are gone forever.
All right. Beddy bye time. Have a good Wednesday.


  • At Tuesday, December 18, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You are a resilient person, Tricia.

    Merry Christmas (I leave tomorrow for the Pacific Northwest) and ask Erica to give you a hug from me!

    Erin C.

  • At Wednesday, December 19, 2007, Anonymous Cheryl said…

    Hang in there, Tricia. You can do this! Your strength, faith, and courage are amazing. Your attitude through all of these trying days has helped me and so many other people who thought THEY had problems, which paled compared to what y'all were going through. I believe in you! I know you miss David terribly, that is only normal. I love you and remember I am only across the street. Love, Cheryl

  • At Wednesday, December 19, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Tricia, I'm glad you had a better day yesterday and I hope today is even better than that. :) I know how hard this is but there is NO DOUBT in my mind, after what I witnessed through all of this, that David knew you loved him more than life itself and did everything you could possibly do for him...right up until the end. Find peace in knowing that. I will be thinking about all of you during Christmas and hopefully I can see ya'll again soon. Tell Erica & Chris hello for me.

    Love ya'll!

  • At Wednesday, December 19, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Tricia, from what I understand, it is because of you that David lived so long. I wouldn't have been able to get to know him at all if you hadn't done the research and encouraged him to eat right and take his medicines. Thank you! I don't want you to ever feel bad about anything you did regarding his health. You kept him strong. Now you can use that power to get yourself through this "bottom" period. When you get there, the only way is up. If you need anything I CAN shut up and listen.
    Love ya,
    Christy L.

  • At Thursday, December 20, 2007, Anonymous Karla McHan said…

    Thinking of you and praying for you. Hang in there. We are right down the street if you need anything.
    Love, Karla


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